In Your Mouth with David Stansfield
Christmas Day is great. Christmas season is terrible. When did Jesus become that girl who doesn’t celebrate her birthday, but her birth month? He now kicks down the door of the club the day after American Thanksgiving screaming “CHAMPAGNE, BITCHES!” Be cool, Jesus.
Don’t throw the Baby Jesus out with the bathwater just yet. It’s not all bad. Christmas spirit is real. The closest I ever came to really getting it was 1985—the year my parents bought my brothers and me a Nintendo.
Lord have mercy, but we went fucking nuts. That little grey box changed our lives. My dad got a camcorder that year, so my memory of that morning also includes his view of us losing our shit in fits of childish ecstasy.
The right gift can do that. They bring people together in brief communions of joy. While toys break, videos disappear, and people—even the ones we love—die, Mario lives
Taylor Fladgate 10 Year Old Tawny Port
$37.99 - BC Liquor Stores
Booze makes a great gift. You just have to follow one simple rule. You can’t give somebody something they already buy themselves. That’s like giving them groceries. It sounds good in theory. Terrible fucking etiquette in practice.
Instead, buy something special, like port. It’s the cardigan of wines. The classic Taylor Fladgate 10 Year Old Tawny is sort of sweet, sort of boozy, and sort of perfect for romantic trysts in front of the fireplace channel.
$3 - Solly’s Bagels
The human race screws up all the time. It’s sort of our thing. But every now and again we get something right, something like donuts. Donuts represent the best of humanity. Take it from David Lynch.
“There is the donut and there is the hole,” he observes. “The hole is so deep and so bad [but] the donut is a beautiful thing. Keep your eye on the donut.”
This Hanukkah, keep your eye on Solly’s scratch-made Sufganiyot. These immaculate, deep-fried, jelly-filled donuts are a seasonal staple and, according to Israeli folklore, a gift from God to Adam and Eve after their expulsion from Eden to try and cheer them up.
Space Case 4-Piece Titanium Grinder/Sifte
$119.99 - Ignite Smoke Shop
Level up that special chronic in your life with the top of the line Space Case 4-Piece Titanium Grinder/Sifter. This thing has everything: razor-sharp diamond-cut grinding teeth, powerful neodymium magnets, Teflon O-rings, and an anodized titanium coating. All precision machined from aerospace grade aerospace-grade aluminum and backed with a lifetime warranty.
It’s a far cry from the foldable scissors my hippie neighbour kept in his man-purse in high school. But you’re an adult now: treat yourself.