In Your Mouth with David Stansfield

David began his wine career as a teenage cellar hand 20 years ago. Today, he works as an independent sommelier and is a co-host of the popular Sunday School wine school. When not ruminating on the grape, his interests include spy novels, escape rooms, contact juggling, Slovenian design, and beer.


There used to be a show in the ’00s, probably on Showcase, where a skinny British guy travelled the world exploring weird sex. I can’t recall its name and googling “weird sex tv 00s” just took me to Buzzfeed. 

It doesn’t matter. I only remember one scene, but the memory of it sticks with me like a scar.

There’s a bare room with a plastic sheet on the floor and folding chairs around the sheet. Each of the chairs has a cake on it. A blurry naked person stands in front of each cake. Then, all at once, everyone sits in their cake.

A montage of blurred-out bodies writhing in cake follows. It’s the bizarro version of the squeaky-clean Eyes Wide Shut orgy scene. 

And I think it’s a perfect metaphor for Valentine’s Day. A cake with a butt in it on TV.

Happy Valentine’s, Vancouver.

 

Jean-Paul Brun Terres Dorées Moulin-à-Vent

$22.99 - BC Liquor Stores 

Marry/Fuck/Kill is a good game. The right combination really tests your core values. It’s a serious Betty/Veronica/Midge situation.

If I’m playing M/F/K with red wines, Gamay gets the F all day (Marry: Grenache; Kill: Zinfandel). The best Gamays come from 10 villages in Beaujolais called crus. Their wines are all about pleasure with just enough dirt to make them memorable.

Cru Beaujolais is a guaranteed win for a fancy-restaurant date-night wine selection. It’s cheap but cool and drinks like good sex.

 

Carne Cruda

$18 – Kissa Tanto

While young and broke, I took a girl on a dinner-and-a-movie date. The dinner was a bowl of soup and the movie a free video at the Scientology Centre on Hastings. I am not qualified to offer dating advice.

However, I’ve worked in enough restaurants to watch other people date well. Here’s what I’ve learned: the best dates sit at the bar. Less awkward staring. More accidental touching. Better access to drinks.

The sexiest bar in Vancouver is at Kissa Tanto in Chinatown. Order the Carne Cruda. It’s raw Snake River Farms Wagyu beef sexed-up with simple but decadent toppings. Raw meat is hot.

 

Wappa

$11/gram – Various Locations

The Georgia Straight, like The Province, is best read from back to front. I’ll take the dessert of Dan Savage before the salad of local politics any day. 

The man gives good advice, though I struggle with his frequent suggestion to pair weed and sex. When I smoke with my hippie neighbour, it’s the last thing on my mind. Maybe he’s just not my type. With the right strain, I could be down.

Try Wappa. It’s a sweet 60/40 Indica/Sativa split. The Indica relaxes the body while the Sativa provides a little euphoric lift. It’s the weed equivalent of Erykah Badu on Big Baby D.R.A.M.’s “WiFi” track.

 


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