Growing up on a farm was hard. Even as a child I worked the field. My father hardly spoke other than to tell us how lazy we were. We slaughtered animals to put food on the table and when I was 10 I became the bringer of death. I learned life was hard and unfair and sometimes short.
Still, I remember the day my older brother returned from college. He had an iPhone and he showed me Twitter and then I knew, “Life truly is hell.”
Whenever I eat a calzone I think about Brent Gretzky. I mean, calzones are basically a pizza sandwich, which is a delicious idea that should probably be more popular. But nobody cares about calzones because everyone compares them to pizza which is the Wayne Gretzky of food. I’m not sure what kind of dish Glen Gretzky represents in this analogy but according to his IMDb page he’s the Hollywood producer responsible for Prom Night 2 and Waking Up Wally. Some families are just so talented.
When I was a boy, my father would often tell me, “Son, you’ve got to pull yourself up by the bootstraps.” But he was from a different era. Today most of us don’t even own boots, let alone boots with straps. Instead we wear sneakers or flip-flops. And we don’t have “jobs” with “pensions” anymore. Now we have “gigs” and “side-hustles”. Because of this, sometimes our feet go completely bare, which feels nice and cool when you’re doing yoga in a parking garage, but makes it rather difficult to pull yourself up because there is nothing to hold onto for leverage. So flexibility is key.
Life is mysterious. Did you know the cloud is just a bunch of other computers? If French fries were invented in the Netherlands, why aren’t they called Dutch fries? My grief counsellor told me she makes $90 an hour and my wife left me because I’m bad with money. Maybe if I was a grief counsellor I wouldn’t need a grief counsellor?
My palms sweat whenever I watch those videos of crazy people climbing to the top of dangerous structures. It’s getting worse too. These people don’t just climb to the top anymore, now they have to hang off the building with one hand. But the worst ones are the rooftop daredevil fail compilations. I’ve seen so many people fall off buildings on the internet that YouTube started showing me ads for parachutes.
Cultural Appropriation is a hot topic these days. Seems like most people understand it’s a bad idea to black-up for a costume party or wear a First Nations headdress at Coachella, but there’s still work to be done. Some forms of cultural appropriation are so normalized that they’re hard to even notice.
Take the hugely popular TV series Riverdale for example. The guy they cast to play Archie Andrews isn’t even ginger. Don’t get me wrong, KJ Apa is a fine actor but he’s Samoan and his father was the chief of their village. Does that sound ginger to you? Hell no.
Archie Andrews is one of the most iconic figures in all of gingerdom and they gave the role to a hair-dying tourist who doesn’t know the first thing about life as a real ginger. I guess gingers are the redheaded stepchildren of getting roles as gingers.
It won’t be long before some Hollywood reporter writes about how ‘brave’ it was for Apa to embrace the character’s ‘ridiculous orange otherness.’ Sorry, Apa, you merely adopted the ginger, I was born in it.