Top 1 Vancouver Listicle Of The Month
Writing the phrase “Millennials love listicles” makes me feel like one of those dreams where you show up at school with no pants on. Unfortunately, I don’t get to choose what people like to read and if I wanted to “do what I love” I should have pursued a career in competitive eating. So here goes, welcome to Archive Vancouver’s second ever Bottom 1 Vancouver Listicle of the Month.
Even objectively good things like alcohol can be abused. With that in mind, here’s a list of the 4 worst places to wake up from a blackout in Vancouver!
4. The Hospital
I heard about a guy who woke up from a bender in a hospital bed with a mysterious pain in his abdomen. He didn’t know how he got to the hospital and he had no memory of undergoing emergency surgery to remove the bullet from his stomach. Also, he was handcuffed to the bed.
Apparently it started with money problems. The guy lost his job. He had a big mortgage and the financial stress was weighing on his marriage. He loved his wife and didn’t want to lose his home so he needed some cash, fast.
The answer to his money problem revealed itself near the bottom of a bottle of inexpensive rye. It was so obvious. He’d steal his brother’s handgun and rob the local bank.
Robbing a bank is difficult under normal circumstances but it’s nearly impossible when you’ve consumed 20 ounces of Canadian liquor. Unsurprisingly, things went badly from the start. He caught his shoe on the welcome mat as entered the bank and fell to the ground. The gun, naturally, slipped out of his pocket and slid across the shiny marble floor. His attempt to retrieve the weapon was so panicked and clumsy that he accidentally squeezed the trigger and discharged a round into the wall. Bank patrons screamed. A nearby security guard stopped Snapchatting, coldly analyzed the situation, drew his sidearm, and shot our friend in the stomach. Bank robbery over. At least the guy got sober in jail.
3. Jail (or the Drunk Tank, probably)
I was in the drunk tank once. The room was a concrete box with fluorescent lights and a metal drain in the centre of the floor. It contained six extremely intoxicated men in various states of dishevelment.
One of the men was around 50 years old and appeared to be homeless. Around 4AM he unzipped his fly and attempted to masturbate. Another one of our cellmates, a 20-something douche dressed like a reality TV bro, didn’t take kindly to the public masturbation. So, there was a beating. Nobody wants to see that.
2. Rogers Arena, 300 level.
I was at a game last year and some dude passed out in the row in front of me. He was extraordinarily intoxicated. His head tilted back and his mouth dropped open and he was done. The Canucks were getting caked so everyone in the row decided we’d entertain ourselves by seeing how much stuff we could put in the guy’s mouth before he woke up. His friends didn’t seem to care. In fact they started it by placing a pair of ticket stubs in his gaping pie hole. Next, someone used a soggy foam finger to mime fellatio. Then we began stacking empty beers in his mouth like a cup holder. The stack was six high at its apex. He woke up just as Jayson Megna scored a utterly meaningless goal in garbage time.
1. BC Ferries
Back when Archive started we considered doing a listicle outlining the top five BC Ferries Bathrooms in which do to drugs. Our new, more mature, editorial board rejected that story because it was not cool in any way.
Speaking of not cool, my mother lives on Galiano Island and when I was 18 I would go visit her on weekends. There was only one sailing from the mainland to and from Galiano each day. It leaves from Tsawwassen and it services a number of the gulf islands, Galiano being the first stop on the journey. Problem is, if you happen to black out and don’t get off on Galiano you’re screwed.
Let’s assume that you’re 18 and you’ve been up all night drinking with friends and you have to go visit your Mum on Galiano so you take the bus from UBC to the Tsawwassen ferry terminal at 6AM. When you arrive you’re still very drunk and once you’ve paid for your ticket and gotten on the boat you immediately pass out. Here’s what might happen next, some BC Ferries employee will kick you off the boat on Saturna Island and you’ll end up barfing in the bushes beside the ferry terminal. Then you’ll sit around with puke-breath all day until the evening ferry takes you back to Galiano. Hi mum!