Bottom 1 Vancouver Listicle of The Month

 Aaron Von Hagen, 81.0%

Aaron Von Hagen, 81.0%

Writing the phrase “millennials love listicles” feels worse than leaving the movie theatre after watching Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. Unfortunately, I don’t decide what people like to read and if I wanted a job that made real money I should have built a two sided murder-for-hire marketplace on the dark web. But here we are, so welcome to Archive Vancouver’s Top 1 Listicle of the Month for October / November (and December) 2017.

An MLA from Chilliwack named Laurie Throness wants British Columbia to carve the world’s largest sculpture into one of our mountains. He said, “I thought, for example, it could be a pair of uplifted hands so big that you could drive a number of tour buses onto the palms.” Since the idea is ambitious and controversial Throness stipulated a decision on the final shape of the carving should be put through a lengthy process of proposal and consultation. To help that process along Archive Vancouver is excited to present the top three best ideas for what we should carve into the mountain! 

1. Carve a mountain into the mountain

British Columbians have a deep and intimate connection with nature. In Vancouver we hike and ski and surf and hunt and sail and fish and kayak and camp—all in the same day. That’s why real estate is so expensive here. 

A visceral connection with our surroundings is shared by all British Columbians so it makes perfect sense that we would want to use the sculpture to celebrate the majesty of nature. I can’t think of a more righteous way to commemorate mother earth than to carve a monument to the natural world into our natural world. We should carve a mountain into the mountain. 

2. Carve Air Bud into the mountain

Laurie Throness made clear that a human likeness should not be the subject of the carving. Smart. Many historical figures who were upstanding citizens in their own era do not pass the public monument smell test today. It would be a shame if we had to nuke the mountainside in 60 year’s time when we discovered our favourite politician was a racist or a pedo. 

After eliminating humans from contention the list of great British Columbians gets pretty short. In fact, I’d say there’s only one non-human public figure worthy of mountainside commemoration. He was a great capitalist who brought prosperity to the economy of British Columbia. He was also a talented artist whose acting brought joy to the hearts of small children. His ability as an athlete is the stuff of legend, dominating at the highest level of seven different sports. That hero was Buddy, a golden retriever, but you know him by his onscreen persona: Air Bud. A true giant of Canadian cinema. Who could have guessed a stray from the foothills of the Sierra Nevada mountains would, one day, become the richest self-made dog in Canadian history? Plus, since he was born in the states he’s got the whole immigrant thing going for him. British Columbians love an immigrant story. Carve Buddy into the mountain. 

3. Carve a Green Lamborghini with an N on the back, parked in a bike lane while the teenage driver gets lunch at a “world class” food truck

An asteroid could strike earth. Climate change could render the planet uninhabitable. A super virus could ravage our species. Weapons of mass destruction could usher in the nuclear winter. Or maybe Kurzweil is right and we will enter the singularity. Or we follow Elon Musk off this planet to terraform Mars and the galaxy beyond. We don’t know when nor do we know how or why but we can be certain that human beings’ dominion over planet earth will end, someday. 

In the distant future, when aliens come down from the sky to explore our empty planet, what will they find? What will the monuments to our civilization tell the aliens about our species? Our libraries may burn and our servers may melt and our cities may be reduced to ash, but our mountains will still stand. And when those aliens set their eyes onto a humongous carving of a green lamborghini with an N on the back, parked in a bike lane while the teenage driver buys lunch at a "world class" food truck, they will know and understand Vancouver in 2017 as well as anyone reading this listicle. Carve the damn lambo. 

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